Discount Heady Goodness

A significant part of becoming a man is ridding yourself of such childish pleasures as toys, playing games, and drinking 40s of malt liquor in the schoolyard after dark in order to make room for more mature vices such as tools, sports, and paying 15 dollars for a six pack of Heineken to take to a house warming party that your girlfriend is making you attend when it would make just as much sense to pay your degenerate friend the same amount to let his incontinent dog piss in your mouth.

Now that I got that sarcasm out of the way in one swift paragraph, let’s face the facts; the idea of maturation through abandoning everything that was incredibly awesome about your childhood is bullshit, especially when you start to believe that drinking Stella Artois is a sign of sophistication and class. Besides, being frugal about getting shit-canned frees your wallet up for bigger and better things, such as attending monster truck shows on mushrooms and gambling on two homeless people fighting over a bottle of Listerine.

The experienced drunk knows that quality need not be an expendable characteristic in the hunt for cheap beer, which is proven in the following list of some of the smoothest drinks from the ‘discount brands’ list.

5. Miller Genuine Draft
Although it’s one of the pricier of the inexpensive beers, MGD can’t truly be considered an upscale choice unless you also consider Hamburger Helper to be gourmet cooking. The only thing keeping this beer from a higher ranking on the list is the fact that you probably won’t be able to upsize your combo at the all-night fast food joint you stumbled into after last call.

4. Bohemian

Take solace in the fact that an actual Bohemian being responsible for brewing this beer is statistically impossible, as Bohemians are incapable of running any successful business, and instead enjoy the liquid deliciousness behind the deceptive name. This beer is great for any drinking game because it comes up just as smooth as it goes down, which makes it that much easier to get back on the horse after an involuntary bout of emptying your stomach contents onto the porch at your friends cottage.

3. Old English

The quintessential beverage of the thrifty drinker, the fact that it’s makers can even turn a profit off this unbelievably inexpensive malt liquor is a true testament to how much ass it kicks (significant amounts). Anything with those kinds of sales numbers must have some serious staying power. Throw it in a paper bag and enjoy it at your leisure on a stoop or park bench of your choice.

2. Old Milwaukee

When your city’s baseball team is called ‘Brewers’ then you’d expect the locals to know something more than dick-all about brewing. Well, here’s Old Milwaukee. This beer goes down so easily you’ll be wondering why there’s only one of your twelve cans left when you could’ve sworn that you’ve only drank three. Coupled with a Big Mac and the nostalgia of being the only beer you could afford in high school, Old Milwaukee is a guaranteed raucous night, especially if you opt for the higher alcohol content ‘Ice’ brand.

1. Pabst Blue Ribbon

Although seemingly relegated to a fate as the beer of choice among hipsters, awesome men everywhere are joining the movement to reclaim PBR from those flannel-clad fuckwads. It was even the beer of choice for Clint Eastwood’s character Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino, forever cementing it’s reputation as a badass beer from here on out. Whether or not the beer has actually won any blue ribbons is as debatable as it is insignificant, as this delicious drink of red-white-and-blue pride goes down smoother than Jenna Haze on a waxed package. A perfect beer for any time of the day, month, year, or physical state, not even becoming the favourite drink for figure skaters could turn a true man off of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

When you feel like breaking the bank…

Dos Equis

All brilliant marketing schemes aside, this beer makes up for its lack of alcohol content with a crisp, refreshing taste that can make even your moms rainy funeral worth celebrating. It may not actually make you the most interesting man in the world, but when you have enough money to down twelve of them then you sure as shit will feel like you are. Make any occasion that’s worth remembering less memorable with 4.5 percent of Mexican excellence.

Al Murray-Lawson