Before you begin reading let’s make one thing perfectly clear: if your son is over the age of thirteen, has expressed a keen interest in gymnastics, and has never beat up another kid over something as menial as disliking the cut of his jib, then I’m afraid you must abandon all hope of ever raising a real man. That’s actually untrue, I’m not afraid. But all your parental tactics are futile from here on out; there is no way to undo the thirteen years you spent sissying the kid up and now he’s a dipshit teenager who will forever think you’re a pathetic old fart, and you know what? He’s right, you fuck-up.
Kids are retarded. They have no sense of individuality and so the only way they learn how to behave is by mimicking others, so the best way to ensure your child becomes a man is to be one yourself. Start by making sure that there is always whiskey within arms reach of wherever you happen to be. This whiskey can best be enjoyed sitting in a comfortable, semi-reclined chair, not necessarily doing anything more than contemplating the wall. It’s important to keep an air of mystery about your character as a man. Words must be rarely used and kept to a minimum when you do. Acknowledge others with a grunt, and add a slight nod for loved ones if you so choose. Soon your son will realize that a good man says little and emotes less.
If your kid skins his knee then don’t start freaking out and run for the iodine, and if your wife does then tell her to sit down and calm her tits. Sure, if you happen to be drinking whiskey then spare some for sterilization purposes, but never more than half a slug (remember, always have whiskey). Children are entirely capable of full recuperation within hours of receiving any sort of scrape, cut, bruise, and contusion without a pissy little worrywart of a father there to enable his constant desire for affection.
No matter how incredible a feat your son accomplishes, be sure not to reward him with gifts or money. A pat on the back is sufficient, and maybe throw in a ‘nice job’, but nothing too over-the-top. The world is harsh and unfair, and that is a brutal reality that you want to make sure your son comes to terms with as early as possible. As such, severe punishment for anything you find offensive is strongly encouraged. Don’t let the law determine what is right and wrong either, let your child know that you are above any and every manmade law, that your word is final and your power is absolute. Accept no dissent.
As an aspiring man your boy should know to stand firm in any decision. Any regrets or apologies are signs of a weakness of character that will be easily exploited later in life by better men. Make sure that your child stands firm against any accusations of wrongdoings. If his word is to one day also be absolute then he should start to believe that he is incapable of misbehaviour and that it is instead the whole world who is acting out of line.
Make sure your child understands that money is the single most important thing in the world, as it can be used to purchase the three other most important things in the world: alcohol, cigarettes, and meat. And although it is recommended that your son adhere to a strict schedule of physical activity to ensure the hardened physique of a grizzled woodsman, money can be used as a substitution for good looks in order to attract many suitable mates. If your son manages a perfect combination of the two then he need never worry about not succeeding again.
To ensure your kid has enough protein to tackle the adversity of everyday man life, make sure to limit the amount of food in his diet from food groups that aren’t meat. Vegetables are best used as a garnish and chocolate is for women. If your son wants a snack then provide him with beef jerky. Actually, tell him that he’ll get beef jerky after he mows the lawn, then don’t give him any. Remember, it’s important not to let him believe that he’ll always get what he’s earned.
Chores are an essential part of any childs upbringing. They instill a sense of discipline and duty in your son while lifting a heavy burden from your back. The only reason that man has felt compelled to breed throughout time is so they can have someone to help out around the house. So if your son complains about doing chores, be sure to explain to him that if it weren’t for chores then he would never have been brought into existence. If this hideous truth reduces him to tears, threaten to disown him until the crying stops.
Threatening to disown your son may seem harsh, but it is often an effective tactic in keeping him in line. The very idea of having nobody but himself to rely on will scare him more than the iron fist of even the most authoritarian father. He will come to understand that while he is under the roof of another he must blindly abide by their law with the stoicism of a statue; emotionless and speechless. One day, however, your son won’t be threatened by the prospect of being disowned. In fact, he will actually disown himself and set off into the working world alone, sleeping under his own roof, living under his own law. When this day comes all that is left to do is stand tall and proud, for you, sir, have just completed raising a man.
Al Murray-Lawson
